How to Stop Your Child From Saying ‘You Didn’t Tell Me To’
The Moment Everything Clicked
Yesterday morning was pure chaos. Everyone rushing, endless questions, my daughter needing guidance for everything. When I asked why she hasn’t put away her clean laundry, she replied: “You didn’t tell me to.”
That’s when I realized I had unconsciously been training my bright, capable daughter to turn off her brain. She’d gone on autopilot because Mom tells her what to do, so why think about it?
I switched gears immediately. Instead of giving more instructions, I started asking questions.
“Were leaving the house. What do you need to take with you?”
She paused. Actually thought. “My backpack, my water bottle.”
“Cool, is the water bottle filled?”
“No.” And then she knew exactly what to do next.
The Moment Everything Clicked
Yesterday morning was pure chaos. Everyone rushing, endless questions, my daughter needing guidance for everything. When I asked why she hasn’t put away her clean laundry, she replied: “You didn’t tell me to.”
That’s when I realized I had unconsciously been training my bright, capable daughter to turn off her brain. She’d gone on autopilot because Mom tells her what to do, so why think about it?
I switched gears immediately. Instead of giving more instructions, I started asking questions.
“Were leaving the house. What do you need to take with you?”
She paused. Actually thought. “My backpack, my water bottle.”
“Cool, is the water bottle filled?”
“No.” And then she knew exactly what to do next.
The Wild Discovery That Changed Everything
It dawned on me: I already use this exact approach in other parts of parenting.
When my daughter comes home upset about a friend, I don’t say ‘Just ignore her!’ I ask: ‘What happened first? How did your body feel when she said that? What do you think she might have been feeling? What are your options here?’
The crazy thing is, I’m using the Socratic Method without even knowing it. It’s an ancient technique where instead of lecturing people, you ask questions that help them figure things out themselves.
But with daily tasks? I’m a complete drill sergeant: “Put your clothes away. Empty the dishwasher. Get your shoes.”
I’m being a philosophical genius with emotions but a caveman with laundry.
Turns out there’s a reason this feels so natural — this method has survived over 2,400 years because it works, whether you’re exploring deep philosophical questions in ancient Athens or helping a child figure out their morning routine in modern America.
Both situations require the same skill — thinking through problems independently. Once I realized this, everything changed.
The Problem We Create Without Knowing It
You think you’re being helpful when you give constant direction and guidance. But what you’re actually doing is short-circuiting your child’s natural problem-solving abilities. Every time you tell them what to do instead of helping them figure it out, you’re essentially saying, “Don’t worry about thinking — I’ve got this covered.
The result? An overly dependent child who can’t function without constant instruction. One who stands helpless in front of obvious solutions because they’re waiting for you to think for them.
Why Questions Work Better Than Commands
The research is clear on this. When we ask open-ended questions instead of giving directions, we activate entirely different parts of a child’s brain. We force them to:
- Access their own knowledge — They already know most of what they need to know
- Practice decision-making — Every question requires them to evaluate and choose
- Build confidence — Each successful answer proves they can think independently
- Develop critical thinking — Questions naturally lead to deeper analysis
The 5-Minute Morning Transformation
Here’s exactly how to implement this starting tomorrow:
Morning Routine Problems Every Parent Faces
Instead of: “Get your backpack”
Ask: “What do you need for school today?”
Instead of: “Brush your teeth”
Ask:”What haven’t you done yet to get ready?”
Instead of: “Hurry up, we’re going to be late”
Ask: “What time do we need to leave, and what still needs to happen?”
Instead of: “Put on your coat”
Ask:”How does the weather look today?”
Instead of: “Did you pack your lunch?”
Ask:”What will you eat at school today?”
Parenting Tips for Building Independence Beyond Morning Routines
Once you start seeing the power of questions, you’ll notice opportunities everywhere. Here are a few more game-changers:
When siblings are fighting:
Instead of: “Stop fighting with your brother!”
Ask: “What do you think your brother is feeling right now?” or “What would help to actually solve this problem?”
When they’re struggling with homework:
Instead of: “Just sit down and focus!”
Ask: “When do you do your best work — right after school or after some downtime?” or “What’s making this feel hard?”
When their room is a disaster:
Instead of: “Clean your room, it’s a mess!”
Ask: “How do you feel when you can’t find your favorite things?” or “What would make mornings easier for you?”
When friend drama hits:
Instead of: “Just ignore her if she’s being mean.”
Ask: “What do you think might be going on with her?” or “What are your options here?”
This is my favorite approach because it helps my daughter practice empathy and see things from another perspective. It’s not about making excuses for bad behavior — we don’t put up with people who are always mean — but it teaches her to pause before reacting, consider what might be behind someone’s actions, and figure out the best way to respond. This kind of thinking builds emotional smarts, better social skills, and healthier relationships over time.
The magic isn’t just in the morning routine — it’s in raising kids who can navigate their own emotions, relationships, and challenges.
The Magic Formula
Every effective question follows this pattern:
1. Pause before jumping in with instructions
2. Ask an open-ended question that requires them to think
3. Wait for their answer (this is crucial — resist the urge to fill the silence)
4. Acknowledge their thinking, then ask follow-up questions if needed
Common Pitfalls to Avoid
Don’t ask leading questions. “Don’t you think you should…” isn’t really a question — it’s a command in disguise.
Don’t ask when you’re frustrated. Questions work best when you’re genuinely curious about their thinking process, not when you’re trying to prove a point.
Don’t expect instant results. Kids who are used to being directed will need time to activate their thinking muscles again.
When to Start (Hint: Right Now)
These parenting strategies for any age, from toddlers to teenagers. A 3-year-old can answer “What do you need to do after you use the potty?” just as well as a 16-year-old can answer “What do you need to consider when planning your weekend?”
The key is matching the complexity of your questions to their developmental stage while always assuming they’re more capable than they’ve been showing you.
How to Raise Independent Children
When you stop solving problems for your child and start helping them develop problem-solving skills themselves, something shifts. They don’t just become more independent — they become more confident, more creative, and more engaged with their own life.
They stop looking to you for every answer because they realize they have most of the answers already. They just needed someone to ask the right questions to help them access what they already knew.
Your Action Plan for This Week
Pick one daily routine where you currently give a lot of directions. Tomorrow, replace those directions with questions. Stick with it for a full week, even when it feels slower or more difficult at first.
By Friday, you’ll have a child who’s thinking instead of just following. And that child will surprise you with how capable they’ve been all along.
—
Sometimes the most powerful parenting tool isn’t what we say — it’s what we ask.
It dawned on me: I already use this exact approach in other parts of parenting.
When my daughter comes home upset about a friend, I don’t say ‘Just ignore her!’ I ask: ‘What happened first? How did your body feel when she said that? What do you think she might have been feeling? What are your options here?’
The crazy thing is, I’m using the Socratic Method without even knowing it. It’s an ancient technique where instead of lecturing people, you ask questions that help them figure things out themselves.
But with daily tasks? I’m a complete drill sergeant: “Put your clothes away. Empty the dishwasher. Get your shoes.”
I’m being a philosophical genius with emotions but a caveman with laundry.
Turns out there’s a reason this feels so natural — this method has survived over 2,400 years because it works, whether you’re exploring deep philosophical questions in ancient Athens or helping a child figure out their morning routine in modern America.
Both situations require the same skill — thinking through problems independently. Once I realized this, everything changed.
The Problem We Create Without Knowing It
You think you’re being helpful when you give constant direction and guidance. But what you’re actually doing is short-circuiting your child’s natural problem-solving abilities. Every time you tell them what to do instead of helping them figure it out, you’re essentially saying, “Don’t worry about thinking — I’ve got this covered.
The result? An overly dependent child who can’t function without constant instruction. One who stands helpless in front of obvious solutions because they’re waiting for you to think for them.
Why Questions Work Better Than Commands
The research is clear on this. When we ask open-ended questions instead of giving directions, we activate entirely different parts of a child’s brain. We force them to:
- Access their own knowledge — They already know most of what they need to know
- Practice decision-making — Every question requires them to evaluate and choose
- Build confidence — Each successful answer proves they can think independently
- Develop critical thinking — Questions naturally lead to deeper analysis
The 5-Minute Morning Transformation
Here’s exactly how to implement this starting tomorrow:
Morning Routine Problems Every Parent Faces
Instead of: “Get your backpack”
Ask: “What do you need for school today?”
Instead of: “Brush your teeth”
Ask:”What haven’t you done yet to get ready?”
Instead of: “Hurry up, we’re going to be late”
Ask: “What time do we need to leave, and what still needs to happen?”
Instead of: “Put on your coat”
Ask:”How does the weather look today?”
Instead of: “Did you pack your lunch?”
Ask:”What will you eat at school today?”
Parenting Tips for Building Independence Beyond Morning Routines
Once you start seeing the power of questions, you’ll notice opportunities everywhere. Here are a few more game-changers:
When siblings are fighting:
Instead of: “Stop fighting with your brother!”
Ask: “What do you think your brother is feeling right now?” or “What would help to actually solve this problem?”
When they’re struggling with homework:
Instead of: “Just sit down and focus!”
Ask: “When do you do your best work — right after school or after some downtime?” or “What’s making this feel hard?”
When their room is a disaster:
Instead of: “Clean your room, it’s a mess!”
Ask: “How do you feel when you can’t find your favorite things?” or “What would make mornings easier for you?”
When friend drama hits:
Instead of: “Just ignore her if she’s being mean.”
Ask: “What do you think might be going on with her?” or “What are your options here?”
This is my favorite approach because it helps my daughter practice empathy and see things from another perspective. It’s not about making excuses for bad behavior — we don’t put up with people who are always mean — but it teaches her to pause before reacting, consider what might be behind someone’s actions, and figure out the best way to respond. This kind of thinking builds emotional smarts, better social skills, and healthier relationships over time.
The magic isn’t just in the morning routine — it’s in raising kids who can navigate their own emotions, relationships, and challenges.
The Magic Formula
Every effective question follows this pattern:
1. Pause before jumping in with instructions
2. Ask an open-ended question that requires them to think
3. Wait for their answer (this is crucial — resist the urge to fill the silence)
4. Acknowledge their thinking, then ask follow-up questions if needed
Common Pitfalls to Avoid
Don’t ask leading questions. “Don’t you think you should…” isn’t really a question — it’s a command in disguise.
Don’t ask when you’re frustrated. Questions work best when you’re genuinely curious about their thinking process, not when you’re trying to prove a point.
Don’t expect instant results. Kids who are used to being directed will need time to activate their thinking muscles again.
When to Start (Hint: Right Now)
These parenting strategies for any age, from toddlers to teenagers. A 3-year-old can answer “What do you need to do after you use the potty?” just as well as a 16-year-old can answer “What do you need to consider when planning your weekend?”
The key is matching the complexity of your questions to their developmental stage while always assuming they’re more capable than they’ve been showing you.
How to Raise Independent Children
When you stop solving problems for your child and start helping them develop problem-solving skills themselves, something shifts. They don’t just become more independent — they become more confident, more creative, and more engaged with their own life.
They stop looking to you for every answer because they realize they have most of the answers already. They just needed someone to ask the right questions to help them access what they already knew.
Your Action Plan for This Week
Pick one daily routine where you currently give a lot of directions. Tomorrow, replace those directions with questions. Stick with it for a full week, even when it feels slower or more difficult at first.
By Friday, you’ll have a child who’s thinking instead of just following. And that child will surprise you with how capable they’ve been all along.
—
Sometimes the most powerful parenting tool isn’t what we say — it’s what we ask.